NarutoCrack Session, Ramblings of a Yaoi Freak
by may10baby
Summary: Kyuubi works at a morgue? Naruto's a cheerleader for Kimimaru's squad? Sasuke's emo? well, no suprise there, really. Listen to the fake 'what really goes on in a modern Naruto world' Contains Crack! Yaoi! A mess of different couplings, mainly Sasunaru
1. Victoria Secret

Summary: Naruto Crack Yaoi fanfic with tons of other shit…

Attention: May on crack. Unlike you think, May not crack writing Mayday! May on crack scary. **Scary**. This Story is crazy place. You run if wish.

Set in modern times and normal lifestyle, etc. etc.

No plot line, so don't expect one, just whatever pops up. Character bashing in some cases, just for shits and giggles folks…remember this!

* * *

Narrator (a brunette with shoulder length hair and matching eyes and cute glasses, stands on a podium, just getting into second semester of high school, swallowing "Happy Pills", FYI she's the authoress!): Kyuubi no Kistune wasn't an evil, creepy bastard that got by on his looks alone, he had graduated from Virginia Polytech, bitches!

Kyuubi (sexy, red hair, red eyes, sexy): damn right. This is why I hate the living, hence to reason I work in a morgue! –glares evilly at unfortunate corpse sprawled out on his lab table- kukuku…

Narrator: He does like foxes, his little brother- not that way you incest freaks!-

Incest freaks: Aww…

Narrator (sweatdrop): and …Pop tarts?

Kyuubi: Ahem! Strawberry Frosted Pop Tarts! … with the occasional brown sugar and cinnamon…oh, oh! And weasels! Kyuubi-kun likes weasels –grins evilly/pervertedly- almost as much as tearing up dead idiots!

Narrator: Damn, Itachi must give a pretty good lay…

Kyuubi: Uhuh, but he's MINE, bitch!

Narrator: Tch, whatever psycho! As long as I get to watch.

Kyuubi (pouts, turning back to corpse): Must, hack! –raises knife-

Narrator: Sorry! Gotta "cut" in for the non-existent plot line!

Kyuubi: evil little…

Narrator: As such, Kyuubi likes his Pop tarts and weasels...most importantly killing/hacking up dead dudes. So who would visit him at his day job? Cause we all know his night job's _much _more entertaining, XDD

???: Wah! Get away from me you _pervert_!

Narrator (grins evilly as a blonde-haired boy runs into the room dressed in an orange and blue cheerleader uniform, no pom poms ): Uzumaki Naruto's who.

Kyuubi: Naru-chan? What's wrong?!

Naruto: Wah! Kyuu-nii-chan! I tried out for cheerleading like Orochimaru-sensei said I should, and this weird emo guy tried to rape me!

Kyuubi: Well that is a short skirt…you couldn't wear boxers under that…hmm…(Wait, wasn't I a non-incest person?!)

Incest Fans (knifes at Narrator's throat): You are, now!

Narrator: Save me!

Incest Fans: Rawr! Quiet! What's next?!

Narrator: Uhh…uh…oh, here it is! Now, a cheerleader might choose to run into his brother's morgue (idiot), but who the hell would follow him?

???: Dobe-chan! You think this would stop me? I cut _myself_! XDDDD

Narrator (twitches as a brunette in black clothing runs in, grinning in a crazy, love-struck -mainly crazy- manner): Uchiha Sasuke's who.

Sasuke: Naru-chan! –glomps Naruto- Come on! Let's go have jungle sex against that wall!

Naruto: EWW!!!!!

Sasuke: What? It looks sterile…

Naruto (squirming): No! I don't like you...? –turns to Narrator- what's his name?

Narrator: Don't talk to me! I'm not on stage!

Naruto: You're mean! Kyuu-nii talked to you!

Narrator: He was correcting me! Now! Sasuke! Introduce yourself!

Sasuke: -grins maniacally- I'm Uchiha Sasuke! Your future hubby!

Naruto: NOOOO!!! I'm not gay!

Kyuubi (happily cutting into corpse with a cookie cutter): -snort- Uh…news flash! You're wearing a skirt! Lord knows what's underneath it.

Sasuke: I'd like to find out…-grips Naruto's ass-

Naruto: -squeal- H-hey!

Sasuke: You're so cute! –cuddling-

Naruto: NOO! It's hugging me! It's _touching_ me!

Kyuubi (poking at dead dude's organs): It's _been_ touching you, idiot. Hmm…this guy had the good kind of wine Itachi used to drug and drag me into bed for rabbit cosplay, damn. If he's a prominent citizen I'll have to incinera-I mean, cremate- his ass to destroy the evidence.

Sasuke (busy pinning Naruto against the wall): kukuku…never knew you had a thing for lacey underwear, Naru-chan. I could but you more pairs, you know…

Naruto (busy struggling against Sasuke who's busy pinning him against the wall): No! I couldn't wear my boxer's with this! So I had to use the gag gift Kyuu-nii bought me last year.

Sasuke: Kyuubi, you're my new god.

Kyuubi: I'm everybody's god nowadays, you should've seen Itachi yesterday –licks lips-

Sasuke: uh…no.

Narrator: Hey! Heads up! Someone else is coming in!

Kyuubi: SHIT! THE FEDS! HIDE THE COOKIE CUTTERS! GAARA'S GONNA KILL ME IF I LET THEM TAKE 'EM!!!!

Kimimaru: -runs in- HEY! –points at Sasuke, currently hiking up Naruto's skirt- Oh, Naru. Nice panties!

Naruto (hysterical): KYUU-NII! _WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING_?!?! _**HELP**_!

Sasuke: I know right? Know where it's from? I wanna buy him some more.

Kyuubi (hiding cookie cutters): Got it from Victoria Secret with a gift card Itachi gave me.

Sasuke: Thanks! -continues to hike up a screaming Naruto's skirt-

Kimimaru: Why was I here? Oh yeah, Uchiha! Stop molesting Naru! He needs to complete his tryout!

Naruto: RAPE! THIS IS _RAPE_ YOU MORONS!

Narrator: -snort- we know it's rape, we prefer laughing and squealing our asses off on the sidelines, they have tissues and blood transfusions.

Sasuke: -sigh- fine, just for a sec! –lets Naruto go-

Naruto: -tries to run, but Kimimaru blocks him-

Kimimaru: Finish your tryout!

Naruto: -sigh- fine! –pompoms appear outta nowhere, well Sasuke knows where (XD)- Y-A-O-I! For fans who like GuyxGuy! I'm done.

Kimimaru: -squeals- You're in! Okay, Sasuke you can continue! –walks out-

Sasuke: -looms over Naruto- Naru-chan, the wall's waiting!

Naruto: O.O –faints-

Sasuke: Naru?…Naruto?!...oh well, this gives me an excuse to take you over to my house! Kukuku…-slings Naruto onto his shoulder and pats his ass- Should I go to Victoria Secret first, though? Hmm…-walks out-

Kyuubi: This sucks! I just cleaned the cookie cutters! Now I get to use em, but then I have to clean them…_again_! Dammit!

* * *

May: okay, it's either my medication for my cold hinting of an OD or just the fact I'm insane…thank you everyone for your support through my cold! I feel a lot better and the last hints of my sore throat are disappearing! My shots are coming up though…-shiver-

Kirri: May needs reviews! She says my meds aren't working!

May: they aren't!


	2. Rainbow Stripatorium

Previously:

_Naruto: RAPE! THIS IS RAPE YOU MORONS!_

_Narrator: -snort- we know it's rape, we prefer laughing and squealing our asses off on the sidelines, they have tissues and blood transfusions._

_Sasuke: -sigh- fine, just for a sec! –lets Naruto go- _

_Naruto: -tries to run, but Kimimaru blocks him-_

_Kimimaru: Finish your tryout!_

_Naruto: -sigh- fine! –pompoms appear outta nowhere, well Sasuke knows where (XD)- Y-A-O-I! For fans who like GuyxGuy! _

_Kimimaru: -squeals- You're in! Okay, Sasuke you can continue! –walks out-_

_Sasuke: -looms over Naruto- Naru-chan, the wall's waiting!_

_Naruto: O.O –faints-_

_Sasuke: Naru…Naruto?!...oh well, this gives me an excuse to take you over to my house! Kukuku…-slings Naruto onto his shoulder and pats his ass- Should I go to Victoria Secret first, though? Hmm…-walks out-_

_Kyuubi: This sucks! I just cleaned the cookie cutters! Now I get to use em, but then I have to clean them…again! Dammit!

* * *

_

Narrator: Welcome back! We've done a scene change!

Ravenous SasuNaru Fans: WHERE'S OUR SMEX?!?!?

Narrator (sweatdrop): calm down, we'll get to that…

Ravenous SasuNaru Fans: Grr…

Narrator: We've changed scene to the Rainbow Stripatorium, a…well, strip club. –watches as a dark, longed haired, sex god dances on stage in a fishnet top and tight black leather pants, shaking his ass to the music on his IPod, twitch-

Itachi: "Gonna, shake my little tush on the catwalk, yeah." –shakes ass-

Itachi Fans: O.O –twitch-

Random Person (walks in) : Yo! Uchiha! Boss needs you real quick!

Itachi: Hmm? –takes out ear plug, in return STOPS DANCING-

Random Itachi Fangirl (Narrator's new best friend): evil little…-takes out AK-47 and shoots Random Person-

Random Person: -dies-

Itachi: -stares at Random Person- Oh cool! A dead dude! I should call Kyuubi-koi.

Itachi Fans: O.O Nuuu!!!! Dance, Itachi-sama! Dance!

Itachi: Hey, I get paid for that shit!

Itachi Fans: -starts throwing money at Itachi- Dance! Dance! Dance!

Itachi: Hell yeah! And Dad said being a Gay stripper wasn't high paying! Or fun! –starts dancing-

Itachi Fans: WOO!!!!

-Definition of the Jaws Theme walks on stage-

Kisame: -grins- Hey, Itachi! Work it!

Itachi (still dancing): Fuck off Kisame, or start paying like my fans.

Random Itachi Fangirl #2: KYAH!!!! –jumps on stage- ITACHI-SAMA!!!! -dives for smexy Uchiha-

-Kyuubi walks in and shoots her- Bang!

Kyuubi: Back off bitch, he's mine! Hey guys, sorry I'm late.

Itachi: Kyuubi, my gun slinging, sexy ass, bitch. –Frenches Kyuubi-

Kyuubi: Damn right –wraps arms around Itachi's waist- Your brother kidnapped my brother.

Itachi (lifts brow): Is that so?

Kyuubi: I think he went to Victoria Secret…

Itachi: Maybe…there's a good sale going on I hear…

Kyuubi: Really? We should go! By the way, Gaara says you're one of his buds on Myspace, PM him and tell him I need to keep the cookie cutters for a bit. In return I'll mail him pictures! He likes it when I use the teddy bear one, right?

-Snake man walks on stage-

Orochimaru: My duckies! Ready to shake those fine asses?!

Itachi, Kyuubi and Kisame- Work it, boss!

-bunch of random people walk in-

Orochimaru: hit it!

-Three well-paid people start dancing while peeling off clothing-

-random people start throwing money onto dance floor-

Itachi: -finishes taking off shirt and unbuttons pants, rolling his hips. Looks at crowd- You know you want it!

-Itachi fans start throwing bags of cash from the bank they'd robbed earlier onto dance floor-

Itachi: Sweet, there go my past debts!

Kyuubi: After this we're sooo going on a shopping spree!

Narrator: Told you Kyuubi's night job was funnier!

Itachi Fans: Change scene and die miserably.

Narrator: But we're going to visit Sasuke and Naruto in Victoria Secret!

SasuNaru Fans: -bind and gag Itachi fans- Change! Change! Change!

Narrator: Uhuh…changing!

* * *

Sasuke: Naru-chan! You look adorable!

Naruto: -also bound and gagged- MM! Mmnn!!

Sasuke: But you're so cute in that maid outfit! Orange is definitely your color!

Narrator: Where'd you get that outfit in a Victoria Secret dressing room? –glances around-

Sasuke: The sales clerk gave it to me!

Sales Clerk: -walks in holding a camera- Here ya go! Just E-mail me some pictures!

Sasuke: Thanks! –looks at name tag- Sai-chan, would you be a dear and dig up some handcuffs from the basement as well?

Sai: Of course! There's velvet and fur lined ones too in case Naru-kun here has sensitive skin.

Sasuke: Oh it's sensitive alright.

-Sasuke and Sai grin evilly/pervertedly-

Naruto: -crying-

-Suddenly Kyuubi and Itachi burst into the dressing room, lip-lock mode-

Sasuke: -takes picture-

Itachi: -breaks lip-lock mode- Sasuke what're you doing here? This is my dressing room.

Sasuke: No, nii-san, it's the Uchiha dressing room. _Uchiha_. meaning I can use it too.

Itachi: Rats.

Sai: Eww…where? I'll have our part time mannequin, Sasori, kill 'em…

Kyuubi: -noticing Naruto tied up- Ah! Naru! –runs over and unties Naruto-

Naruto: -still crying- Kyuu-nii! I hate Sasuke! Hate! Hate! _Hate_! H-he was trying to do naughty things to me! –wail-

Sasuke: Naru…

Naruto: -glares at Sasuke- Meanie! I hate you!

Sasuke: -animated heart breaks in the background- My heart! –falls to knees-

Sai: -watching with interest- do you want me to still get the handcuffs?

* * *

Lol. Nothing else to say beside Happy Valentine's Day! 


	3. Kimono Wearing Martyr!

May: kukuku….it's back!

Btw, when two people are saying something doing the exact same thing, they're first initials are used…like this.

Guess! (Not that hard)

I+S: -cuddling fox plushies- I wuv my wittle foxiwoxies…

3…2…1…Ding! Ding! Ding! Okay idiots, It was Itachi and Sasuke!

* * *

_Itachi: -breaks lip-lock mode- Sasuke what're you doing here? This is my dressing room._

_Sasuke: No, nii-san, it's the Uchiha dressing room. Uchiha. meaning I can use it too._

_Itachi: Rats._

_Sai: Eww…where? I'll have our part time mannequin, Sasori, kill 'em…_

_Kyuubi: -noticing Naruto tied up- Ah! Naru! –runs over and unties Naruto-_

_Naruto: -still crying- Kyuu-nii! I hate Sasuke! Hate! Hate! Hate! H-he was trying to do naughty things to me! –wail-_

_Sasuke: Naru…_

_Naruto: -glares at Sasuke- Meanie! I hate you! _

_Sasuke: -animated heart breaks in the background- My heart! –falls to knees-_

_Sai: -watching with interest- do you still want me to get the handcuffs?_

* * *

Sasuke: -curled into a ball on his bed, at home, hugging a Naruto plushie- Don't worry Naruto…I'm here… murmur… murmur…

Itachi: -spying on Sasuke from his bedroom door- This is bad…Sasuke has contracted an extreme case of AntiUkelyosis….he could snap under the mental pressure of his teenage hormones any second!

Kyuubi: -Standing behind Itachi, smiling creepily- Don't worry Ita-chan…Sasuke'll be fine…now sleep with me dammit! 2 days of no sex has been known to ruin many a great men throughout history! Look at Napoleon! He went crazy because he was so small! In more ways than one!

Itachi:-ignoring pissed red head- Just wait…maybe I should call a doctor…

Kyuubi: -growling- No! –turns around- Gaara! Shuukaku! Bring the martyr!

-Gaara and Shuukaku appear out of nowhere-

Gaara: I want those photos, Kyuubi.

Kyuubi: Have you got the sacrifice?

-Shuukaku holds up a struggling sack-

Kyuubi: Good. –hands Gaara an envelope labeled "Morgue" (see chapter 1)- Enjoy!

Gaara: Thank you for your business. –snaps fingers-

-Shuukaku throws the door to Sasuke's bedroom all the way open and throw the bundle inside before slamming the door shut-

Sasuke: -glances at door before turning attention to sack-

-"Sack" squirms around a bit more before a kimono-wearing, blonde offering pops out-

Sasuke: O.O –thinking-> _Food!_

Naruto: -dressed in orange kimono with fox paw print design and a blue sash with a pretty bow behind him - Gaara! Gimme my cookies! Damn you!

Sasuke: ……-tackles Naruto- my precious..!

Naruto: -stares at Sasuke…screams-

-Itachi and Kyuubi listen as a series of thumping noises occur-

I+K: ...-sweatdrop-

Naruto: -from inside room, panting- Sasuke! Stop! It hurts! It hurts a lot! Itai!!

Kyuubi: …Our work here is done. Come Itachi! –grabs Itachi and drags away- To the bedroom!

Next Day:

-Naruto limps into dining hall, Sasuke following quickly-

Sasuke: -rubbing recently smacked cheek- Naru! You **know** you liked it.

Naruto: -turns around to look at Sasuke- You human reenactment of a male cat in **heat**! Why did you have to do…-blush- **that**!?

Sasuke: -sigh- What do you expect when you're wearing that kimono?! –grins lecherously at, still, kimono-wearing blonde-

Naruto: Touch. And. **Die**.

Sasuke: Where is the love?

-Orange mask wearing freak walks in with his identical twin with an eye patch over left eye.-

Obito: Up

Tobi: in

O+T: Itachi's room.

Obito: They're making

Tobi: up for

O+T: missed time.

Sasuke: Ah shit…they escaped from the basement.

Obito: Self-righteous

Tobi: perverted

O+T: bastards…

Naruto: O.O Finally! Someone who understands my suffering! –hugs the twins-

-twins hug back-

Sasuke: -growls- No touchy, my blondey! –tackles group to the ground-

-Itachi walks in, dressed only in a pair of black sweatpants, glances at the group before going to the kitchen and pouring a glass of water and walking back through the dining, towards the stairs, glances at pile of people again-

Itachi: …What are you doing?

Obito: Rescuing a

Tobi: blonde-haired boy

Obito: from the clutches

Tobi: of your deranged

O+T: brother.

Itachi: …Don't leave any evidence for the police. –walks out-

Kyuubi: -in bed, on stomach, immobile and wearing nothing but a blanket…yells down the stairs- Itachi! Get me my water!

Itachi: I'm comin', I'm comin'. –grumble-

Sasuke: -manages to get away with a protesting Naruto in his arms-

Naruto: Let me go! –hitting Sasuke on the chest-

Sasuke: -laughs creepily- Never! –kicks open a window and jumps on ledge, suddenly wearing a pair of black pants and shirt with a vampire cape and red contacts, carrying Naruto bridal style-

Naruto: …the fuck?

Sasuke: -grins at Obito and Tobi, now dressed in cop uniforms- You'll never catch me alive, coppers! –jumps out 3 story window-

Naruto: Kyah!!

S+N: -land in a tree conveniently located outside window-

Naruto: -sweatdrop- Since when did that get here?

Sasuke: -looks down at Naruto with a glint in his eyes- Time to make even more sweet, sweet, love.

Naruto: -eyes widen comically- Omigod! Batman help!

-Hatori from Fruits Basket poofs out of nowhere and knocks Naruto out with his weird psychic powers-

Sasuke: Thanks!

Hatori: Anything for a fellow anime character. –poofs away-

-Sasuke runs off carrying an unconscious Naruto, Obito and Tobi in close pursuit-

* * *

May: Sorry, Hatori just popped up, most likely he's doing a favor for Shigure since the Dog's such a fan of Jiraiya's books. Seriously, I can imagine Kakashi and Shigure appearing in a doujinshi as brothers or something.

Review!


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